An Irish priest

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day at St Johns Catholic Church.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at
St. Johns Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead right in der
middle of me front lawn "
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father
O'Malley replied:
"Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the
next of kin."

Fair Labour Practice

The South African Department of Labour claimed a small Robertson farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Department of Labour Employee: "I need a list of your employees and how much  you pay them."

Farmer: "Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 30 years. I pay him R1 400 a week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours a day,  seven days a week and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about R100 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of brandy every Saturday night so he can cope with life.

Department of Labour Employee: "That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one."

Farmer: "That would be me."

The latest in security codes and threat levels

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved".  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross".  The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance".  The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards".  They don't have any other levels.  This is the reason
they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last
300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide".  The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender".  The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing".  Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs".  They also have two
higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes
on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA".
Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level
of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, mate".  Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and
"The barbie is cancelled".  So far no situation has ever warranted use
of the final escalation level.